Be Assertive Without Alienating Your Significant Other

How to Be Assertive Without Alienating Your Significant Other

Asking for what you choose—and setting boundaries around what you don’t choose—is a key life skill. However, sometimes in our enthusiasm to practice this skill, we over-do our own assertiveness and ending up with a partner who shuts down, gets angry or feels resentful. Here are four tips for developing your assertiveness in a way that will actually strengthen, deepen and enrich your relationship.

Get Clear.
Being assertive starts with knowing what you are—and aren’t—willing to be, do, or have. Coming to this knowledge is a real task unto itself. Here, it may be useful to ask: “In an ideal world, what would I like to happen?” Focusing on an ideal outcome opens our minds, helps us get really clear on what we choose and don’t choose. 

Set Boundaries.

Once you know what outcome you need (or choose), share it with your partner. Pay attention to the way stating your boundary feels in your body. With practice, you can actually sense when you can feel really pleasurable, even exhilarating, to express your wishes or desires out loud. Mantra's like “such and such doesn’t work for me” are simple ways of being assertive while maintaining connection with your partner

Make a Regular Habit of Stating Your Wishes and Desires.
You can build your assertiveness the same way you build any muscle: exercise. Practice speaking up about your choosings', big or small, on a daily basis.  When you speak up about things that are less controversial—such as where to go to dinner, requesting help unloading the dishwasher or what TV program to watch—both you and your partner get used to your assertiveness. It becomes easier for you to practice and for your partner to hear. When bigger issues come along, you and your partner will have a healthy process in place for dealing with differences in needs, and you’ll have greater confidence in the resilience of your partnership

Give as Much as You Get.
Assertiveness is a two-way street. If you know your boundaries are to be respected, you must return the courtesy to your partner. If she or he doesn’t like you to use the bathroom when in the shower, don’t. If he or she asks you to give him a half an hour after work before you talk and connect, respect that. When it comes to following through on a partner’s reasonable request, actions really do speak louder than words.  

If your partner isn’t respecting your boundaries even though you’ve set them clearly, it may be time for professional help for you and/or your relationship.